Invasion of the Mary Sue
by snarryvader81
Summary: Gasp! An indescribably beautiful American exchange student has come to Hogwarts! Everyone seems to think she's great, except for Severus Snape. What's the poor potions master to do when she sets her sights on Harry, his lover? HPSS SLASH HGDM slight HGSS
1. Enter Miss Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom

The Great Hall was abuzz with activity. Students who hadn't seen each other over the summer break eagerly filled each other in on new events and the latest gossip. The teachers were in their usual positions at the Head Table, some of them making idle chatter with each other, and some (or, shall we say, one particular potions master) fended off any type of conversation in favor of looking out over the students.

All in all, it was a normal start of the year feast.

Then, _She _showed up.

_She_ was the most gorgeous girl anyone could imagine. She had long, flowing, shimmering auburn hair which hung in rivulets down to her lower back. Her eyes were the most striking violet that anyone could imagine - they were even more attractive than Lily Evans' trademark green. They seemed to sparkle with a magnificent inner light. Her skin was flawless - it looked like the finest porcelain. She was tall with long, slender, shapely legs. Her features were perfect! (In fact, _She_ was so indescribably beautiful that one needed a dictionary to find a way to put her magnificence into words.)

Everyone was instantly awed.

Headmaster Dumbledore stood. "We are honored to have a seventh year American exchange student! Please give a warm welcome to Miss. Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford!"

Severus Snape was instantly disgusted; all the boys (and some of the girls) drooled.

The girl strutted up to the Sorting Hat, her tight robe clinging to her body and showing off her ever graceful movements. She daintily sat down on the stool and McGonagall put the hat on her head.

"GRYFFINDOR!!" it screamed almost immediately.

Smiling widely, she stood up and, pausing to smooth down her robe (which had ridden up slightly, exposing silky white thighs) and ran over to the Gryffindor Table, amongst deafening applause from the Gryffindors themselves.

"Hello," she said in a soft, sweet voice. She had a slight Southern accent. "I'm Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom."

"I'm - I'm - uh - I'm Henry - uh--" Harry shook his head slightly. "I mean Harry. I'm Harry. Harry Potter. _**The**_ Harry Potter." He smiled charmingly, until Ron pushed him out of the way so he could introduce himself.

"I'm Ronald Weasley," he said, trying and failing horribly to put on a flirtatious face. "Harry Potter's _**best friend**_"

"And I'm Hermione Granger," said the bushy haired girl. "So - you're from America?"

The girl nodded. "Kentucky. I just love it there, but we had to move! I already miss it! I was the best horseback rider in the state! I won fifty medals for jumping!"

"Aren't you a little young to be a seventh year?"

"Oh - I'm only fourteen! But my marks are _**so**_ good that they let me skip some grades!"

"Wow!" Hermione seemed awed.

"I'm a little afraid though," she said. "What with it being a new school and all. What if no one likes me?!"

"I'll introduce you to people!" Harry and Ron shouted at the same time.

"Oh! Thank you so much! I was so worried that no one would like little old me!"

"Wow," Hermione repeated quietly. "She's humble, _too_."

Chantilly hugged Ron, then Harry, in thanks.

At the Head Table, Severus Snape seethed with jealousy. Something about this girl was setting off all his internal alarms . . .

-

-

-

**Author's Note:** This is my parody of all the Mary Sues out there. I really haven't read all that many Mary Sue stories (as the absolute perfection of the Mary Sue usually makes me want to puke) but I found an archive of Mary Sue parodies and I just couldn't resist writing one. I hope it seems . . . suitably Mary Sue-ish.

Thanks for reading!

-snarryvader81 (aka Anna)


	2. Scorned By A Love Poem

Supposedly, Tom Marvolo Riddle was the best student to ever walk the halls of Hogwarts.

That was, of course, until Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford arrived.

In one week of attending school, she had made friends of both genders from all four houses, in all different years. She had the highest grades ever recorded in the history of the Hogwarts – higher than both Albus Dumbledore's and Tom Riddle's.

And she always looked as if she was walking down a runway in Paris, France.

All the males in the castle, minus one, were in love with her.

Professor Severus Snape loathed her.

Not that he ever took points from her, as she never messed up in class. She made the most difficult brews almost as well as he could, and she seemed to know everything there was to know about potions. Of course, if the gossip in the staff room was anything to go by, that was how she was in every other subject in the school as well.

Something was off about her . . .

* * *

Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom's dainty laugh was music to the ears of the Gryffindor boys. They all wore goofy, love-sick smiles on their faces as they crowded around the beautiful girl at the dinner table. 

"Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom," said Seamus Finnigan. "What a gorgeous name!"

"I know," she said, smiling.

"It makes me think of flowers and . . . happiness," said Ron airily.

Michael Corner suddenly appeared from seemingly nowhere, a bouquet of red roses and a heart shaped box of candy in his hands.

"Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom," he began, "I – I'd just like to give you this," he said in a rush, pushing the gifts into her hands. His face heated.

"Why thank you, sweetie!" she exclaimed, her southern accent suddenly stronger. "I really appreciate it! You know," she said, turning back to the other boys, "This is the fifteenth bouquet I've gotten this week, and the twenty-seventh box of chocolates!"

"Really?" demanded Ron, his face red with jealousy.

"Yes," she continued. "I've also gotten nineteen teddy bears, thirty early valentines, and fifty-two poems. The one I got from Draco Malfoy really stood out! Very well written! Funny, he didn't strike me as the romantic type!"

"Malfoy," Ron and Harry growled as one.

* * *

"Goddamn Malfoy!" shouted Ron, angrily kicking the couch in the Gryffindor common room. 

"What did he do?" demanded Hermione, looking up from her homework.

"He's trying to steal away Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom! Slimy Slytherin brat!"

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean, _steal away_?"

"The bloody Ferret wrote Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom a love poem! A _love poem_!!" Ron was pacing like a caged animal. He finally paused. "You know what?" he demanded. "I've got to write her a better one! Where's that bloody rhyming dictionary?!"

He sped out of the common room, leaving behind a red faced Hermione. "But – but," she spluttered, "Draco – Draco couldn't have written that – that _bitch_ a love poem! He's dating _me_!"

* * *

"Goddamn Malfoy!" shouted Harry, kicking one of the suits of armor that lined the corridor. The metal of the armor was harder than the toe of his shoe, however, and he hissed in pain. 

"What did he do?" asked Luna Lovegood, walking up with her books in hand.

"He's trying to steal away Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom! Filthy Slytherin brat!"

Luna furrowed her brow. "What do you mean 'steal away'?"

"Malfoy wrote Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom a love poem! A _love – poem_!" Harry paced up and down the length of hallway, looking a bit like a caged tiger. He finally stopped. "You know what? I know what I've got to do! _I'll _write her a poem! A _better _one! Where's that rhyming dictionary?"

He hurried off down the corridor.

Luna looked rather confused. "I thought Malfoy was already dating someone?" she asked aloud, shrugging, before walking off down the hall, never noticing Professor Snape's jarred office door.

Severus quietly shut the door and locked it, sliding down the back of it to the ground. "Slytherins are filthy, are we, Mister Potter? And what would you call backstabbing little brats who cheat on their lovers?"

* * *

Hermione quickly made her ways through the dark halls of Hogwarts underneath Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. She had barely avoided Miss Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom, who kept bugging her about being 'study buddies', but when there's a will, there's a way. And Hermione Jane Granger most definitely had a will to go to the library without anyone knowing she'd been there. 

Her heart almost stopped when she suddenly collided with a large body clad in all black. Both she and the other person hit the ground with dull thuds.

"Potter?" growled a very recognizable voice. Hermione winced – she was sure to be killed, or worse, expelled.

"N – no, Sir," she stuttered, shakily throwing the cloak off and standing up. She offered a hand to the Professor but he batted it away, instead making his way to his feet by himself. "I – I'm sorry, Sir--"

"Miss Granger," he said, sneering, "Would you please explain what exactly you are doing outside of the library at two o'clock in the morning? Has your obsessive need to constantly study carried over into your sleeping time?"

"N- no, Professor Snape, sir."

"Then please, do tell."

"Well – well, Sir, I – I just wanted to . . ." She bit her lip. Summoning her courage, she sharply asked, "What are you doing here, Sir?"

Severus scowled. "Encase you have forgotten, Miss Granger," he snapped, "I am a Professor at this school. It is my right to be out in the halls as I please. Now, tell me, Granger, what were you doing here at this god awful hour of the morning?"

"I – I – IwantedtoseeifIcouldfindanythingaboutwhychantillyrutherfordissoperfect." The words came out in a rush and were indecipherable.

"Repeat what you just said, and _articulately_ this time," said Severus, annoyance in his voice.

"I wanted to see if I could find anything about why Chantilly Rutherford is so perfect," she said slowly.

Severus eyed her warily. "Really?"

"Yes. I – I thought that maybe she might be part veela or – or something. I'm not really sure." She breathed in deeply. "But for god's sake, Professor, no one can really be that utterly _perfect_!"

Severus was silent for a moment. "I completely agree with you, Miss Granger," he finally said.

Hermione's head darted upwards to look at him. "You . . . do?"

"Yes. Very much. Tell me, which of Hogwarts' idiot males used to be yours before she stole him away?"

Hermione bit her lip. "You won't believe me."

"Oh, trust me – I think I will."

She muttered something under her breath.

"What was that?" demanded Severus.

"Draco Malfoy," she said, her voice still hushed.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Malfoy . . . And here I was thinking he was his father's little 'mini-me'."

"Draco is much better than his father," insisted Hermione hotly.

Severus stared at her for a minute. "You do care about him, then?"

"Of course I do," said Hermione. "Or else the moment I heard he was sending bloody love poems to Miss _Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom_," --you could almost hear her eye-roll-- "I would've broken it off immediately!" She looked him up and down for several seconds. "Who's your boyfriend on the edge of being stolen, then, Professor?"

Severus glared down at her. "I do not have a," he sneered, "_boyfriend_, Granger, you idiot girl. I am simply patrolling the halls."

"You're wearing a bathrobe, a t-shirt, and pajama bottoms," she deadpanned.

Severus glanced down at his attire and almost blushed.

"Who's your – if not boyfriend, then – _lover_?"

"You won't like it," said Severus, the sting of having to tell Hermione Granger about his relationship almost outweighed by the anticipation of her shock at the identity of his lover.

"Tell me," she demanded.

"Harry Potter."

She stared at him blankly for a few moments. "It's not time for you to finally be displaying a sense of humor, Professor, no matter how dark."

"I assure you, I'm not."

"I knew he was seeing someone," she said, almost to herself, "It was hard not to notice – but – but I never would've even _guessed_ . . . How did it start?"

"That, Granger, is none of your business," Severus snapped. "Now, do you want to go and find out what exactly makes Rutherford as sickeningly perfect as she is, or do you wish to dawdle around out here all night?"

Hermione pulled the library door open and motioned Severus through. "Lead the way, Professor."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Ugh . . . we just moved into a new house and the internet wasn't working for a few days, but the break from reading other people's fanfiction seemed to have stimulated my own mind and broken my writer's block.

Hope you enjoy it!

-Snarryvader81 (aka Anna)


	3. The Darkest Creatures

Nothing. Nothing at all could be found as to why Chantilly E. B. Rutherford was so disgustingly perfect.

Severus and Hermione and searched all through the early hours of the morning, looking at what felt like three fourths of the entire school library. Their search had so far proved fruitless.

Hermione Granger threw a large tome entitled: _The Easy One - Two - Three Step Potion to Make You Completely Irresistible to the Opposite Sex (And/Or the Same Sex),_ down on the table in disgust.

"Not a veela!" she spat, her fingers digging into the top of the table, "Not a vampire! Not a demon! What the hell is she?!"

Professor Severus Snape raised an eyebrow at Hermione's use of a curse word, but refrained from commenting. Instead he sighed.

"We'll look for ten more minutes," he began, standing up and striding over to the restricted section. He reached up and pulled a large, leather-bound book off the highest shelf. Big gold calligraphy spelled out a title of: _The Darkest Creatures: Mary Sues. _

"By then we'll have to go to class," he continued. "But if we haven't found _anything_ by then, we might just have to accept that . . ." he trailed off.

"That the Blossom Bitch is naturally that irresistible and flawless," Hermione finished, biting her lip.

Severus sat down, snorting. "'The Blossom Bitch'? Why Miss Granger, I didn't even realize you _knew_ such vulgarities."

Hermione sent a nasty look in his direction, huffing and forcibly opening a small book titled: _Popularity Charms: The How To of Social Ladder Climbing - Ten Easy Charms and Twelve Simple Potions._

"Good alliteration, though, Granger," murmured Severus while opening his own book. The library was dead silent for several minutes, only interrupted by the crisp sound of turning pages.

Then Severus's head suddenly shot up, his black hair wildly flying into his face. His obsidian eyes widened drastically and he slowly looked at Hermione. The girl was still perusing the same book, the look on her face clearly saying that she hadn't found anything pertinent.

"Did - did Rutherford tell you anything about her background?"

Hermione nodded absentmindedly, focused on her book. "She said her parents died tragically in a freak accident when she was two, leaving her to the tender mercies of a cousin, who was abusive and neglectful. The cousin moved away when she was seven, leaving her homeless on the streets of southern Kentucky. Her amazing horseback riding abilities relocated her to Lexington, where she won some unbelievable amount of awards. All through it, the only thing that kept her going was her love of languages, of which she learned fifty-four." Hermione made a disgusted sound. "I didn't even know that many different languages bloody existed!"

A gleeful smile crept across Severus's face. He cleared his throat and began to read.

_Mary Sues_

_A Mary Sue (also known as Marty Stu or Gary Stu if male) is a perfectly normal person (usually muggle) who, using the strange magic of 'fanfiction', inserts themselves into the lives of interesting people such as wizards, witches, Ringbearers, Slayers, Chosen Ones, vampires (ensouled or no), Jedi, Sith, Dark Lords, mediums, chocolateers, superheroes, mutants, kings, elves, and paranormal hunting FBI agents._

_Mary Sues are very dangerous creatures, as once they invade, they are incredibly hard to get rid of - not because it takes complicated magic to do so, mind you, but because the pull of the Mary Sue is very strong. Most people are very susceptible to this allure, so no one ever even attempts to vanquish the Sue. Some people, though, do have higher resistance to the pull of the Sue, and some, in rare cases, are not effected at all. _

_There are multiple indicators of Mary Sues, most of which are very noticeable. A Sue's name is usually very elaborate or unusual, such as Aaliylah Adelaida. There have also been occurrences of the a female Sue's name being something such as Mack (male sounding). They could also have a relatively normal sounding name, which is spelled oddly (IE Izzibella, Janise)._

_A Sue always has model looks, such as beautiful hair which is always well-groomed, odd colored eyes (such as violet or midnight blue), and perfect skin. They are usually very thin and can eat as much as they want without gaining an ounce. _

_The Sue personality may be anywhere in the range of spitfire to shy, but everyone always seems to like them anyway and they always have an astronomical amount of friends._

_A Mary Sue's intelligence is always much higher than humanly possible. They constantly have incredibly high grades (if in school surroundings) without seemingly studying. They might speak multiple languages, be able to skip multiple grade levels, and understand such complicated things as muggle rocket science. __Nothing is impossible for a Mary Sue._

_Another indicator of a Mary Sue is their background. Most Sues come from bad ones, such as broken homes, abandonment, abuse, etc. Of course, they probably found a way to rise above and be perfect. Another smaller percentage of Sues come from incredibly good backgrounds, such as wealthy, caring parents who pampered them constantly._

Severus stopped his reading and glanced up at Hermione. The girl had dropped her own book and was staring at him with wide eyes.

"So . . ." she eventually said, "The Blossom Bitch is a - Mary Sue?"

Severus smirked. "Certainly sounds like Miss Blossom, doesn't it, Granger?"

Hermione flew up from her seat and knelt down by Severus, her eyes glued to the book. She began to flip through the pages.

"Where the hell does it say how you get rid of one?!" she demanded.

Both Severus and Hermione were absent from their classes that day.

* * *

**Author's Note: **My. Laptop. Crashed. $&$&$$ Good god! My uncle then, to fix it, replaced the stupid hardrive and erased everything I'd ever written! AHH! I want to strangle him! And the Customer Service people from Dell! furious screaming

long, deep breaths Anyway, I managed to rewrite this chapter and I'm pretty sure I made it better, so here it is!

Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews!

-snarryvader81 (aka Anna)


	4. To Make a Potion

There were, as Severus and Hermione discovered, several different ways to vanquish a Mary Sue. Sucking her into something called a 'computer program' (whatever that was) and deleting her just seemed too complicated, while doing something called 'flaming' sounded as if it could be messy.

In the end, they decided to just go with what appeared to be the easiest - a potion.

The _Draught of Anti-Marianna-Suzzanna _wasn't extraordinarily complicated to brew (at least not for a Potions Master), but a few the ingredients _were_ almost impossible to come by.

"Jaguar teeth?"

Hermione Granger shuffled through a neatly arranged box of potion ingredients until she came upon a small jar containing two long, sharp fangs.

"Jaguar teeth," she repeated, handing the jar to Severus Snape, who was currently hovering over a cauldron. The man snatched the jar out of her hand and began to open it.

"How'd you get those, anyway, Professor Snape?"

Severus winced absentmindedly, throwing one tooth into the bubbling cauldron. "I had to apparate into the middle of the Congo."

"The Congo?" asked Hermione, her eyebrow raised.

Severus nodded, stirring the potion five times clockwise before throwing the other tooth in. "I didn't want to - I _was_ actually going to just go to the apothecary again and see if I could special order it–" The potion began to smoke slightly, but Severus didn't seem to be worried about it. Hermione assumed that it was supposed to do that.

"But," began Hermione, "You went and got it yourself."

Severus nodded but didn't elaborate.

"So," pressed Hermione, "Something made you change your mind . . ."

Severus gritted his teeth. "I had the pleasure of witnessing the 'Blossom Bitch' practically _groping_ Harry in the middle of the Great Hall at lunch. I apparated to the Congo that weekend."

Hermione made a disgusted noise. "Nothing compared to what I've been seeing - if she rubs herself up against Draco one more time I swear to God I'm going to . . ." she trailed off, her eyes blazing with anger and her fists clenching.

"Lethifold skin?"

Hermione scrunched up her nose but began rifling through the box again. Eventually she came upon a large plastic bag containing a strip of black inside.

"I wasn't even sure that lethifolds _had_ skin before this," she muttered under her breath, handing the bag to her professor.

"That thing almost killed me," said Severus conversationally, maneuvering the piece of lethifold skin out of the bag and into the cauldron.

"I was there, you know," snapped Hermione.

"Really?" asked Severus, feigning surprise. "I seem to distinctly remember calling out for you to help me - you know, cast the _Expecto Patronum _or use some other form of aid, but you never came to the rescue. It really just slipped my mind that you were even with me that night."

Hermione glared at him.

"Yeti heart," murmured Severus, reaching up and grabbing a jovially-wrapped box off of a shelf.

Hermione stared at it. "You - you suddenly decided to become decorative when storing dead organs, Professor?"

"No, Granger," snapped Severus, slowly taking the lid off the box. "I found this on my desk Christmas morning."

The smell coming from the box was repugnant, and Hermione winced minutely at the sight of the yeti heart.

"Who do you think gave it to you?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "The Headmaster, of course."

"The Headmaster?" repeated Hermione. "But - but that would mean . . ."

"Would mean that he obviously knows that Miss Rutherford is indeed a Mary Sue, yes. But the meddling coot's eyes twinkled at me more than normal on Christmas night - and, really, who else would wrap a yeti heart in paper that has lime green Christmas bells on it with the flashing neon red words 'ding dong ding dong' below them?"

Hermione glanced down at the paper once more and had to agree.

"Virgin's hair?"

Hermione wrapped her finger around several strands of her brown hair and pulled roughly.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You're dating Draco Malfoy and you're still . . . a virgin. My, my - I will have to reevaluate my opinion of him."

Hermione pursed her lips and thrust the hair at the potions master.

Severus quickly added the hair and stirred the potion counterclockwise fifteen times before setting the cauldron aside.

"Now, it has to simmer for three days and then we add the last ingredient."

"Miss Blossom's blood," said Hermione, nodding.

"You're still sure about the plan . . .?"

"Yes," insisted Hermione quickly. "Trust me, Professor Snape - Severus - the Blossom Bitch is as good as _gone._"

* * *

**Author's Note:** I like this chapter in one way, and in another way I don't . . . I rewrote it several times, and I was pretty satisfied this time, so here it is.

Thanks to everyone for reading and being so kind to review! It really means a lot to me!

-snarryvader81 (aka Anna Elizabeth)


	5. Given Names and Gothic Dress

" . . . Miss Rutherford? What, exactly, are you wearing?"

Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom smiled at her professor, exposing a pair of perfectly straight, glaringly white teeth. "Didn't you hear, Severus? Albus gave me special permission to wear whatever I wanted. He and the Board of Governors were unanimous in the decision that I shouldn't waste my youth wearing such concealing robes. Oh, and Severus - it's Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom."

Severus winced at the use of his given name. Two months ago, Rutherford had taken to calling each and every professor by their first names, and then insisting that they, in turn, do the same. Severus had complained to Albus, who simply explained that it promoted student-teacher relations. After all, since Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom had singlehandedly solved the problem of inter-house relations, logically the student-professor relationship was the next thing on the list to be healed.

So, now he was known to Rutherford as 'Severus', 'Sev', or (God help him) 'Sevvy'. McGonagall was 'Minnie', and Flitwick was 'Filius' or 'Filly'.

And of course, Severus seemed to be the only one that actually minded Rutherford's new lack of formality, if the talk in the staff room was anything to go by. Minerva declared that she felt fifty years younger whenever the girl spoke her nickname, and Filius compared the sound of his name on her lips to orgasm. Severus had avoided the staff room for two weeks after that.

Now, two months later, the Blossom Bitch had shown up in class in clothes that were utterly out-of-uniform. The obscenely low-cut, skin-tight, red corset was bad enough, but the even tighter, black leather mini skirt was just appalling. To put the horrible final touch to the outfit, she wore fishnet stockings, shiny, platform-heeled black boots that went up to mid thigh, and black gloves on her hands.

Severus barely restrained himself from shuddering, or possibly throwing his outer robe over her for modesty's sake. Or both.

"A wise decision on the part of the Governors," was all he said in reply, before turning around, writing instructions for a very complicated potion on the board, and sitting down.

The class stared at him, though Hermione could barely suppress her amusement.

"Well?" he barked. "What are you waiting for? The Second Coming? Get into groups of two and brew it!"

"But, sir," began Draco Malfoy, even as he blinked in confusion. What was a 'Second Coming'? "You didn't explain how to—"

"Go get your ingredients!" Snape snapped. The class warily complied.

"Want to be partners, 'Mione?" asked Chantilly at the ingredients table. Hermione nodded, even as she internally winced at the nickname. When had she ever given any indication that she liked her name shortened? Though, she supposed it was better than poor Professor Snape being called _Sevvy_ . . .

Having gathered their ingredients and a cauldron, the girls walked back to Rutherford's desk and began to brew the potion, following Snape's neatly-written instructions.

"Oh, how I love brewing," said Blossom, lazily stirring the potion fifteen times clockwise. As far as Hermione could tell, she had put no effort into brewing it whatsoever, yet it still looked perfect.

Well, thought Hermione with grim satisfaction, that was about to change.

"Oh, Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom? Can you pass me the aconite?"

"Of course, 'Mione," said the Sue, turning to grab the ingredient.

With lightening fast speed, Hermione threw a dash of ground viper skin into the cauldron, and ducked.

The Blossom Bitch screamed as the potion blew up, splattering her.

The entire class gasped in horror and seemed to freeze on spot.

Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom stood there for a moment, motionless. Green goo dripped down her face, over her shoulders, and onto the floor.

Then, the blood came pouring out of her nose.

Hermione grimaced - it couldn't have come out of her mouth, or something, could it?

The red substance dribbled onto the table, quickly forming a rather sizable puddle.

The classroom suddenly erupted with shouts of 'oh Merlin' and 'Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom?' and 'are you okay?'. The other students began to crowd around the girl, but Snape ordered them back as he wove his way towards her.

"I believe you need to see Poppy," he said once he'd gotten a good look at her. He turned to the class. 'Who wishes to escort Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom?"

Everyone volunteered at the same time.

"Mister . . . Malfoy—"

Hermione glared, while Draco looked overjoyed.

"And Mister Potter," finished Snape. Hermione smirked, while the two boys in question glared at one another.

"And class dismissed."

Everyone headed for the door, including Rutherford and her two escorts, who each had one of her arms and identical glares on their faces.

As soon as the door slammed shut, Snape locked and warded it. Hermione grabbed an empty vial and a spoon, and began to scoop the blood into the container.

"This enough?" she asked when she was done. Snape nodded, taking the vial from her.

"Its perfect," he said, holding it up. Slowly, he turned to her and smiled. "Two days, Miss Granger. Two days, and the potion will be ready."

"And Miss Mary Sue . . . and her influence . . . will be gone."

The two shared a devious smile, and somewhere, a Sue Author screamed.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well, only one or two more chapters left. I would've updated sooner, but, believe it or not, I had more computer trouble. At this point, I think it might just be easier to use a typewriter! I wrote the first half of this chapter on a different computer, as my laptop was royally screwed up during that time, but then that computer went and got a virus, despite there being an anti-virus program on it . . . Nevermind. Just, here it is! The Chapter!

And, about who I gave as the main characters, I got a review or two saying that it should be Snape & Harry, but really, the main characters are Hermione & Snape. Harry has like, one line. Unless the two main characters you give always indicate the 'ship that you're writing . . .? Oh, well.

Thanks for reading!

Anna


	6. The Musings of a Chantilly Blossom

Staring at herself in the mirror, Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford once again acknowledged that this was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

Oh, sure, a lot of "good" things had happened to her back in Kentucky - getting her first puppy, learning about computers, graduating from middle school - but this, this was something different. She had completely remade herself into someone she had always wanted to be. She was beautiful, perfect, talented, smart, and as skinny as a rail.

Sure, she had been some of those things back in her old life, but not all of them. And now she even had a new name, which was much better than boring old 'Anna'.

Of course, she missed her mother, despite her bitchiness, and her grandmother, despite her tendency _to_ bitch. And she missed her dogs, despite their constant barking, and her cats, even though they were either too aloof or too needy.

Though, she supposed that if she really wanted to, she could bring Maddy into the story with her and make her into some type of perfect, special pet for herself. Chantilly had always liked Maddy the best, probably due to the fact that she was the aforementioned first puppy. Though, seriously, the name 'Maddy' wouldn't do. She would have to change it to something appropriate, like Matana or Matrika.

But, it was just a thought. She was currently bothered by something, and she couldn't waste any of her valuable thoughts on a dog.

What was bothering the beautiful Chantilly, one might ask?

It was quite simple really.

She was bored.

She had come into the wonderful world of Harry Potter when she had been enthralled with Harry Potter and the magical place he lived in, but now, she had conquered it. She _was_ the Wizarding World, she embodied it. She had Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Ronald Weasley, and any other man you could possibly think of bowing down to her in awe. It was just last week that Voldemort (or Tommy, as she liked to call him) had dueled Lucius Malfoy over her.

Hell, she could rule the place if she wished.

And it was just plain boring. Not that she didn't like being worshiped, but she had come for adventure! And it seemed to be seriously lacking, which was too much like her old life to be comfortable.

So, it was then that Chantilly had to make a choice.

How did she leave, and where did she go next?

She would leave after the Final Battle, she knew, but how? Should she kill Voldemort and be hailed as a heroine for a few weeks, or should she be mortally wounded in the process, dying in Harry's arms? Or, even more dramatically, should she just meet Harry's blazing green gaze with her own glinting violet one, then steal away into the shadows of the night without so much as a farewell, her long, black duster billowing out behind her in the wind as she strode away into the darkness?

Chantilly paused. That scene seemed so familiar to her, somehow . . .

A slow smile spread over her face as she remembered. Graduation Day, Part II. She could still remember watching it in her bedroom in the dead of night, attempting to be as silent as possible so that her mother wouldn't wake up and scream at her to get in bed.

Without any second thoughts, Chantilly decided where she would be going next.

Los Angeles, to Angel Investigations. She could breeze in around season two, help Angel to get over his obsession with Darla, and then bear his miracle child in her place!

It was perfect!

Nodding happily to herself, Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford, once known simply as Anna, turned and left her dorm room to head down to the Great Hall for dinner, already making plans as to how she was going to save her baby from the deranged vampire hunter Daniel Holtz.

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**Author's Note:** Never fear, my dear readers, the Blossom Bitch is going to be banished in the next chapter! I just could resist adding this little . . . section. I like it, don't know about you . . .

Anyway, 'Anna' is my real name, if you already didn't know. 'Maddy' is my real dog, and yes, she was my first dog. Still is, actually. Yes, I am really from Kentucky, and yes, all of what I tell about 'Chantilly' is really about me. Self-insert, much?

If you didn't understand the Angel references, that's okay. It doesn't really matter, it's just that I'm really into Angel: The Series right now so I couldn't resist.

So, here it is, the third to last chapter, I believe.

Anna


	7. The Fall Of Chantilly E Blossom

The Great Hall looked vaguely like a rainbow had exploded inside of it. Green, silver, red, gold, black, yellow, blue, and bronze clothed students sat at each and every table, chatting amicably amongst themselves. Even Pansy Parkinson and Lavender Brown seemed to be getting along famously, despite not having anything in common to discuss over dinner.

Hermione was sitting in her usual spot at the Gryffindor Table, but she was scrunched in between Goyle on her right side and Luna Lovegood on her left, and was feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

In contrast, Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford was as happy as could be, surrounded by admirers from all Houses, or in the case of Lucius Malfoy and Lord Voldemort, from the Death Eater faction.

"Now, Harry," she was saying, "why can't you find it in yourself to forgive Tommy?" She nodded at Voldemort, whose snakelike eyes were pooling with tears.

"Because, 'Tilly--He killed my parents! I was raised in a home by uncaring relatives with no love thanks to him!"

Voldemort sniffled and swiped at his nose with a scaly hand. "I'm _sorry_ for killing your parents, Harry! I only did it because of the prophecy! You know, I had a horrible childhood as well." His nonexistent lips quivered. "All I wanted was my father!"

Harry appeared incredibly moved. "Oh, Tommy! I'm so sorry for trying kill you so many times and thinking you so evil! You're just _misunderstood_! I should've seen it all along."

The (former?) archenemies lurched forward and wrapped their arms around each other in a rough hug. Chantilly's eyelashes fluttered and she put her hand over her heart. "Isn't it beautiful?"

Hermione had no words, except for a piercing shriek she kept locked in her throat.

"Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom?"

The unusually softened voice of Professor Snape drew the attention of most of the table, which made the imposing man pause.

"Granger. Lovegood. Goyle. Bulstrode. Finnigan." He nodded to each of them in turn. "Lucius. Potter. Master." He bowed slightly and did a double take at the proximity between Harry and Voldemort, both of whom had stopped weeping but were holding onto each other for dear life.

"What did you need, Severus?" said Chantilly, smiling beatifically.

"I just wanted to give you this potion, Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom." He pulled a small vial from his inner robe. "After that horrible incident in class the other day, I thought you might want--"

Severus was cut off by the collision of a large black dog with his legs. The professor stumbled forward as the dog skidded backwards along the stone floor and transformed into a scraggily human being.

"Black?!" hissed Snape venomously. "What are you doing here? Aren't you _dead_?"

"I was," he said, "but Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom brought me back to life off screen with an unknown ritual only she can perform. It's because she's half dementor, you know, and vampire, and veela. But, that's beside the point. Snape, I want to apologize. Chantilly made me see the light about how horrible I was to you all those years ago in school."

Snape's eyes bulged.

Hermione might have laughed hysterically at the absurdness of it all, but she was preoccupied with gently pulling a vial full of red liquid out of her pocket. Surreptitiously uncorking it, she glanced around the table to ensure that no one was looking, and quickly dumped it into Chantilly's glass of wine.

_Funny,_ thought Hermione, _the students were never allowed to drink before Rutherford arrived._

The potion rested atop the red drink like oil would in water, and Hermione swiftly pulled out her wand.

"_Haudus magi Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way_," she whispered, biting her lip. She was unsure about the 'Ebony' part, to be truthful. The potions book hadn't been exactly clear on the spelling--it was either "Ebony" or "Enoby", they weren't sure which.

However, much to her relief, the potion fizzled slightly and dissolved into the drink.

Ebony it was.

"--and I just can't apologize enough, and I really am sorry for breaking up you and Remus in sixth year. It was just selfishness on my part. We could've been great together, you know, Severus. But, now I have to go and forgive Bellatrix for cursing me into the veil. What a dear cousin she is." He turned on his heels and fled the hall.

Snape stared after him for a long moment before grabbing the ends of his hair, pulling as hard as he could, and stomping to his seat at the staff table.

Hermione sighed. Sirius Black's arrival had been a better distraction than what they had originally planned with the other potion, but it seemed Severus was suffering for it.

Chantilly sighed happily and turned around. "Isn't it so nice to bring people together?"

Hermione held her breath as Chantilly picked up her goblet and raised it to her lips. The red liquid slid into her mouth and over her tongue, and, after an agonizingly long moment, the glass slipped from her fingers.

The wine splattered over the table, and Chantilly fell backwards onto the floor, screaming and convulsing violently.

There was a collective gasp from the occupants of the hall as Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford's appearance began to change. The auburn of her hair faded to a greasy blond, and her violet eyes shimmered to a regular, unimpressive green. Her skin became blotchy and freckled, and her small frame seemed to balloon up in both height and weight, so much that she became overweight. Her skimpy gothic clothes changed to a black tee-shirt (which, strangely enough, had an image of what appeared to be Lord Voldemort on the front) and a tattered black and white skirt.

"She's a Mary Sue!" shouted Hermione, springing from her seat. She pointed accusingly at Chantilly, who had stopped convulsing but was still groaning pathetically.

"Yes," snapped Snape, "she is! She's been manipulating all of us for all of this time! She's not perfect--she's not even a witch!"

Everyone gasped.

"Isn't that right, Chantilly?" continued Hermione.

Chantilly sobbed. "I'm sorry!"

"Oh? So _now_ you're sorry. I bet you weren't sorry when you made Harry and Voldemort _hug_!"

Harry and Voldemort, now seemingly archenemies once more, were gagging simultaneously and casting painful-looking cleaning spells over themselves.

"I'm sorry!" repeated Chantilly, as she slowly went about standing up. Her southern accent was still firmly in place, and her hair (which, Hermione noticed, was impossibly tangled) was still wavy and reached her lower back, but those were the only traits she carried over from her Sue self. "It's just that--that I've been so _bored_ lately. There's nothing to do at home! I mean, there's no new fanfiction, or music, or television shows, or movies, and I've beaten the entire Silent Hill series and I only have one game on the Wii and I'm stuck at the boss battle--"

"I don't care how bored you are," snapped Hermione. "That doesn't give you an excuse to completely butcher our lives! Hogwarts is unrecognizable thanks to you! Inter-house relations? Calling teachers by their first names? Making Harry and Voldemort and Snape and Sirius be nice to each other? It's absurd!"

Chantilly sniffled. "I just thought I could make everything better."

"Well," spat Snape, "you didn't. You made everything worse. And its time to stop."

"You don't belong here," continued Hermione. "It's time to go home. Now."

"But I like it here!"

Snape snarled, while Hermione drew her wand and pointed it threateningly at the Mary Sue. "It's time," she said slowly, "to go home."

Chantilly's lips quivered. "How?"

"Say your real name three times, and you'll be back in front of your computer."

The girl sniffled again, swallowed convulsively, and closed her eyes. "Anna Elizabeth, Anna Elizabeth, Anna Elizabeth!"

There was a flash of purple light, and Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford was gone.

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**Author's Note:** Well, there goes the self insert. Two more chapters and this story is done, but I'm thinking about maybe doing one of these for each of the fandoms I write--hmm, imagine Pyramid Head entranced by some blond little thing?

Hmm, anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing!

Anna Elizabeth


	8. The End Of An Odd, Odd Year

"I'm _sorry_!"

A vase flew through the air and skimmed past Harry Potter's head, shattering on the wall behind him.

"I bet you are," spat Severus Snape, picking up a rather large, heavy tome and heaving it at his lover. Harry dodged, but the window behind him wasn't as lucky.

"Poetry," said Snape disgustedly. "You wrote that fake little bitch _poetry_. You never write _me_ poetry!"

"You hate poetry!"

"So?" Snape demanded. "At least I could've laughed at the stupidity of it!"

"You're not being rational!"

"Don't tell me I'm not being rational, Potter," snarled Severus, his nostrils flaring. "I'm being a hell of a lot more rational than you were when you were drooling over that--that _Mary Sue_! You _hugged_ Voldemort!"

Harry made a horrified noise deep in his throat. "_Don't remind me of it_!"

"You wept on Voldemort's shoulder and said he was just _misunderstood_!"

Harry looked outraged. "Well, at least _I_ was under Chantilly Ecst--_Rutherford's_ influence! And I didn't even join him! What's _your_ excuse?"

This time, the book that Severus threw hit Harry square in face. There was a snapping of bone, and Potter yipped.

"You bhoke my phose!" he shouted, raising a hand to his face to stop the bleeding.

"I'm never going to forgive you, you bastard!" hissed Snape, storming out the door and slamming it behind him.

It opened a moment later.

"These are _my_ rooms, Potter--_you get out_!" Snape motioned wildly at the door.

Sniffing pathetically and then snorting on blood, Harry slowly walked towards the door, looking rather like a kicked puppy.

Snape wasn't moved, and slammed the door behind him. It hit Harry's rear and sent him stumbling into the wall opposite him.

"Serves you right, Potter," hissed Snape contentedly.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Hermione! I'm so sorry!"

"I bet you are," she hissed, baring her teeth. A nearby snifter went sailing past Draco Malfoy's head and slammed into the portrait behind him, which huffed in indignation.

"Children today," the rather hefty, brunette man said, shaking his head. He quickly vacated the frame.

"Poetry!" continued Hermione, heaving a silver candlestick at Malfoy's chest. He ducked and it impaled itself in the wall.

Blaise Zabini sighed disgustedly and crossed his legs. "Shouldn't we be trying to stop them?" he demanded of Millicent Bulstrode. She, Crabbe, and Goyle all shook their heads.

"No. It's entertaining to watch a Malfoy get verbally abused by a mudblood."

"True."

"You wrote her _poetry_!" continued Hermione, spittle flying from her mouth. "You've never even written me a love letter!"

"I can write you poetry if you want, Hermione!"

Hermione snorted. "Your grammar is awful--I don't _want_ your poetry!"

"Hermione! Please, come to your senses! I was--"

"_My senses_?" she shrieked. "_MY senses_? What about you and _Chantilly_? I didn't see any sense in how you behaved with her!" With an inarticulate cry, she hurled the nearest object (a rather nicely sized glass clock) at Draco's chest. He stumbled backwards at the force of impact.

"My senses," she repeated, suddenly calmer. "Draco, do you recall that one time in the Great Hall where Chantilly sat you, your mother, and your father down on a couch and made all of you cry over family problems?"

"_Don't remind me_!" screeched Draco, horrified.

"You promised to go make daisy chains with each other as a bonding activity!"

Blaise, Bulstrode, Crabbe, and Goyle all exploded into snickers, and didn't even stop when Draco sent a death glare in their direction.

"Can we move this out of the common room?" he demanded, balling his hands into fists.

"No!" snapped Hermione. "We're not moving this anywhere--this discussion is _over_!"

Turning on her heels, she stomped angrily out of the Slytherin common room, leaving silence in her wake.

Finally, Pansy Parkinson spoke.

"I wouldn't verbally abuse you, Draco."

"Shut up!"

* * *

The potions classroom was shadowy and quiet, the only noise being the scratching of a quill on parchment, which came from the desk at the front of the room.

Severus Snape scowled and threw Neville Longbottom's (dreadful) essay to the side and began to study the next one. His scowl deepened. Chantilly Ecstasy Blossom Rutherford's perfectly formed calligraphic letters stared up at him mockingly.

Crumpling the parchment up and pulling out his wand, he threw it into the air and shouted a fire spell. The essay burst into flames and, by the time it touched the stone floor, was no more than ash.

"Chantilly E--I mean, Anna's?"

Snape slowly tilted his head towards the doorway, where Hermione stood, glaring at the pile of ashes.

"Why, yes, Miss Granger, it is. Did you talk to Draco?"

"Yes," she said, crossing her arms over her chest and walking closer to the desk.

"And what did he say?" asked Snape, crossing out an entire paragraph on Ronald Weasley's paper and throwing it on top of Longbottom's.

"That he was _sorry_--" She made an angry sound deep in her throat. "--and that I should 'come to my senses'."

Snape snorted. "That's almost exactly what Harry said. Though, really, I do believe that you and I were more rational than either one of them."

"That's what I told him!" she bit out.

Snape sneered at Justin Flitch-Fletchley's essay, marked it with a barely passing grade, and threw it aside.

"Are you going to forgive him, Professor?" asked Hermione suddenly. She looked at him earnestly, and her indecision shone in her eyes.

Snape paused and hung his head after a moment of thought. "Yes, Granger," he said, setting his quill to the side. "Yes, I am."

She smiled slightly. "Hermione. My name is Hermione, not Granger."

"Hermione," he said slowly. He hesitated. "And I'm . . . Severus. But if you ever call me that in public Gryffindor will be in negative points, do you understand?!"

Hermione smiled. "Yes, sir. Severus. Nice name. Latin, is it? Means severe, or strict?"

"Yes. And Hermione is from Shakespeare, correct?"

"_The Winter's Tale_, but it was originally in Greek Mythology." She smiled, suddenly intensely focused. "Thank you, Severus. I'm not sure I could've ever gotten rid of Chant--I mean, Anna, without your help. But now our lives are back to normal. Even Voldemort is back to plotting."

"Good," breathed Snape. It sounded odd to actually be praising Voldemort's devious ways, but the sense of normalcy that came with it was more than satisfying. But there was one thing missing . . . "But don't speak the name!"

Hermione laughed and leaned across the desk. "Thank you, Severus." Placing a sloppy kiss square on Snape's lips, she quickly pulled away and exited the room.

Snape blinked and touched his mouth.

Shaking his head, he sighed. "Odd, odd year."

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**Author's Note:** No, its honestly not Hermione/Severus, but I do happen to like that couple, so I included the last part. But, the pairings really are Harry/Severus and Draco/Hermione.

So, there's only the epilogue left. :)

Anna


	9. Epilogue

You might say they all lived happily ever after, but that would be a lie. They had their good days, and they had their bad days, and some that were in between. They weren't always happy, but none of them were ever truly _unhappy_ either.

Harry and Hermione and Draco graduated Hogwarts and spent the first years of their adult lives fighting a gruesome war, but Voldemort was eventually defeated, and Wizarding World was freed.

Hermione Malfoy went on to become the youngest Minister of Magic ever recorded, not to mention the only female to ever hold that office, while Draco settled into Malfoy Manor and quite enjoyed never working.

Severus Potter-Snape, Order of Merlin, First Class, survived spying within the Death Eater ranks and retired to an uneventful life in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, alongside his husband, Harry Potter-Snape, also Order of Merlin, First Class, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Man-Who-Defeated-He-Who-Shan't-Be-Named, and possibly the greatest wizard of the time.

There were still days when the words "mudblood" and "ferret" and "git" and "brat" were thrown about scathingly, but overall, things were happy, and much better than any of the parties involved had ever expected their lives to turn out.

Life at Hogwarts was no different than it ever had been, if slightly calmer. The Slytherins and Gryffindors still despised each other, cauldrons regularly exploded in the dungeons, and there was always someone sneaking around the corridors in the middle of the night.

All was well.

That was, until almost twenty years after Harry Potter's, Hermione Granger's, and Draco Malfoy's graduation, at the Sorting Ceremony:

"Malfoy, Caligula!"

Caligula Malfoy smiled charmingly and strutted up to the stool that sat next to McGonagall. He gracefully sat, and the hat was placed on his head.

"SLYTHERIN!"

The platinum blonde's smile widened, and he quickly took his place at the Slytherin Table.

"And here I was thinking he would be in Gryffindor," huffed Harry at his place at the staff table.

Severus smirked. "The Slytherin genes always win out, dear Harry. Watch."

"Potter-Snape, Alice!"

Alice bit her lip nervously and sat down on the stool. McGonagall set the hat on her head, and it slid down over her eyes.

After a moment of silence, it declared:

"SLYTHERIN!"

Harry moaned. "_Alice_? A Slytherin? She's _Alice_! She's sweet!"

Severus was too busy clapping to listen.

Harry sighed and leaned forward. "Come on, Cheryl. Come on, make me proud--"

"Potter-Snape, Cheryl!"

In contrast to her green eyed twin, Cheryl Potter-Snape marched up to McGonagall and took her seat with an extreme amount of confidence. The Hat had barely touched the top of her head when it shouted its conclusion.

"SLYTHERIN!!"

Harry frowned as Cheryl took her seat at the cheering Slytherin table.

Snape smiled. "Now, now. Don't be too unhappy. After all, there's still Lisa. She'll be sorted next year and then Martha the year after that."

"They're going to be Hufflepuff, both of them," said Harry dejectedly. "I know it."

"And Angela and Maria in four years," continued Severus. "And Laura."

"_Laura_ is more Slytherin than _you_."

"Heather is very noble."

"Heather is a year old. How can you possibly tell?"

Snape snorted. "Out of eight children there has to be one in Gryffindor."

"Yes, but you were sure we'd eventually have a boy, too, but we never did. I was even prepared to not name him James or Sirius."

"But--" Snape trailed off, abruptly ending the conversation to stare at the front of the hall.

"What is it?" demanded Harry.

"It's--It's--"

"Witherspoon, Jade Aurelia Juliet Carolina!"

As if on cue, the doors to the Great Hall opened, dramatically slamming the walls with a resounding bang, and _She_ entered.

_She _was the most beautiful girl anyone had ever seen, with shimmering honey blond hair that fell in rivulets down to her thighs, and the most entrancing cerulean eyes that one could possibly imagine . . .

_The End?_

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**Author's Note: **Ah, the awkwardly implied mpreg. Don't read into it too seriously, or think of it as adoption, or something, if you're really squicked by it. :) Caligula's name is taken from the nutty Roman Emperor, 'Alice' comes from Alice In Wonderland and the woman in the Resident Evil Movies, 'Martha' is from Smallville, and the rest of the girls's names (Cheryl, Lisa, Heather, Laura, Maria, Angela) are a thinly veiled referance to Silent Hill video game series, which has characters with those names. It also has a Harry, whose 'daughters' are 'Cheryl' and 'Heather', so I couldn't help myself. Oh, and a James is in that game, too, but I don't think he's very much like James Potter.

And there goes my rant on Silent Hill that no one cares about. :) Just skip it.

The entire chapter is written like the ending of a Stephen King book I read in seventh grade that had something to do with a dragon's eyes, a prison called the Needle, and two boys named Thomas and Peter. Strangely enough, I don't recall the name.

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, everyone! I'm sure I'll be back writing something in a little while!

Anna


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